I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
