matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
