i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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