just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
