In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
