Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
