6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
