The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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