Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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