so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
