I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
