neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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