I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
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Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
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omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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