We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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