and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
