Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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