I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
