On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
