i think my mom watched the whole time
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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