i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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