Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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