when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
