i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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