i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
