I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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