I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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