My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
