Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
