Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
