Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
