So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
