put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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