If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
