That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I died a long time ago.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
