Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
