he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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