You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
