just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
