guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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