He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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