How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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