Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
