Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
a search helicopter?!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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