Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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