Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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