I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
