I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
