K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
