My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
