he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
