: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
