Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
