I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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