I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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