grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
